chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
