The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
