He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
