I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
