the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Actions speak louder than pants.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
