I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just tell him i said nine months
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
