meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
