Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
