her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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