I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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