I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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