Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
