I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
