sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
