my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
