I can text with my tongue
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
