i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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