I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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