Barsexuality is the new black.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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