she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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