so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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