So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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