Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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