FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
