I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
