Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
