what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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