it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
