Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
