how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
