Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
