I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Damn victory sex feels great
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
