What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
