remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
