shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
