It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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