my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How does one acquire holy water?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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