Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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