So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
