thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
