chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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