It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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