i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
