Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
