Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
