After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
