just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She bit a glass in half.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't deserve a penis
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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