Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
