Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
