I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
