i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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